Monday, July 28, 2008

Dear NYC,

Absolute Truth: I have never pressed an elevator button that has already been pressed.

Motherfuckers, do you think the elevator will arrive sooner because you hit the button two times in rapid succession? I just hit the button, and you saw me do it. Why would you press it again? And you couldn't even look at me! You may as well leave a horse-head in my bed or pants me in front of my sixth grade gym class. Coward.

The Woobs

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Dear NYC,

How are you? I've been writing so much about me lately, I haven't asked about you. I'm sorry about that. So.....

Anyway, something happened yesterday that has me wondering about my eternal salvation. I got an email from my mother that was titled: "Catholic online: Mary, Mother of God". And I shit you not NYC, the email WOULD NOT OPEN. I clicked on it, and nothing happened. I got a pop-up box telling me there was an error. Click. Error. Click. Error. So, like a good Catholic, I began justifying and came up with the following probable explanations: Firstly, my place of employment uses Lotus Notes, which if you've never used it is the oldest and slowest way to make e-communication happen. Legit dust shoots out of the computer when I hit send. Secondly, my mother types 'Yahoo' into the Google search bar to get to her email. No further explanation necessary. Thirdly....well, fourthly and fifthly....and that one, sixthly. Seventhly totally didn't count. That alone counts as a confession, right?

In conclusion, I blame Lotus Notes.

The Woobs

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dear NYC,

Today is a good day for two reasons:

1) My hair has extra bounce and curl, rather than the usual atmosphere of frizz that swarms my dome this time of year.

2) My underwear are loose, and my stride isn't forcing them to maneuver themselves into origami swans. Buttocks, pants and unders are in unison! Rejoice!

I love these types of unexpected pleasantries.

Love always,
The Woobs